Immature Decision-Making Skills Part Deux September 15, 2009Posted by Who? in 1356.
BALTIMORE (AP) — A Johns Hopkins University student armed with a samurai sword, no seriously, killed a suspected burglar in a garage behind his off-campus home early Tuesday, hours after someone broke in and stole electronics.
Some shocked neighbors said they heard bloodcurdling screams in an area just blocks from the university. Police held the student, a junior chemistry major who turns 21 on Sunday, for several hours causing the amateur ninja to miss his Dungeons and Dragons clan meeting. He was not charged with any crimes Tuesday, but he was uber-pissed about missing “Clan”.
Around 1:20 a.m., the student heard noises behind the home and noticed a door to the garage was open, Guglielmi said. He grabbed the sword, mounted up (see below) and confronted the intruder — identified by police as Donald D. Rice, 49, an upstanding citizen and noted logician who had just been released from jail.
Rice was crouching beneath a counter trying to blend in (?), police said. The student asked him what he was doing and threatened to call police while basking in the full glory of his samurai ensemble including a black wig complete with a ravishing top knot, flowing robe and some faggy Asian sandals with white socks. I know, right.
”When he said that, the suspect lunged at him, kind of forced the kid against the wall, and went all Tom Cruise and slashed that fool” Guglielmi said.
Rice’s left hand was nearly severed — Guglielmi described it as ”flopping around and shit” — and he suffered a severe cut to the abdomen, chest, thorax and dome. He died at the scene. There is some speculation that the cause of death may have actually been shock from getting beat down with a god damn sword in the year of our Lord 2000 and fucking 9.
On Monday, two marbles, a used Chia Pet and a Sega Dreamcast were stolen from the student’s home, which he shares with three other students, but police were not sure whether Rice was responsible, Guglielmi said.
Guglielmi did not know why the student kept a sword, but whole heartedly commended the geek and is thinking about running for mayor on the “an ancient weapon in every pot” platform.
Rice’s criminal history includes more than two dozen arrests for burglary, breaking and entering, attending a Clay Aiken concert and rabbit theft. According to court records, he was charged in 2007 after he pulled a gun on a police officer, though prosecutors placed those charges on hold because the officer started it.
Rice was convicted in 2008 of unauthorized removal of property (is that like stealing?) and sentenced to 18 months. He was released Saturday from the Baltimore County Detention Center. Proof positive that the modern penal system does promote rehabilitation.
Michael Hughes, 43, said he was getting ready for a good Dutch Rudder when he heard the screams.
”There was fear in the voice. I could tell someone was scared,” Hughes said. “He was all like ‘I’m gonna cut you sucka! Is that a fucking samurai sword? No! Shit! Fuck! Gurgle gurgle…”
”You take kids who are paying borrowing $50,000 a year (in tuition, beer money and STD screenings fees) and then put them out in a very dangerous city environment, it’s almost like a clash of civilizations,” he said. Hence, a fucking Katana.
Susan Boswell, the dean of student life at Hopkins, said in a statement that she was ”relieved to report that the student was not harmed,” but she also advised other students to follow the swordsman’s example.
”If you ever suspect that there is a prowler in your residence or on your property, call 911 only after you run out of your house swinging your sword blindly in the dark,” Boswell said. ”Experts advise that you confront the intruder, while yelling straight bat-shit crazy so as to confuse your would-be-attackers-come-victims. Popo’s can’t prevent your shit from getting messed up; they just show up later and push paper.”
For Immature Decision Making Skills Part Uno <—– click here and scroll down