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IDMS – Part Trois September 16, 2009

Posted by Who? in 1356.

A 40-year-old white dude didn’t like the answer he got when a Kapowsin bartender refused to serve him more alcohol.  How this guy made it to 40 is a wonder in itself.

As he walked out of the Kapowsin Tavern on Saturday, he pulled a loaded gun and pointed it at the bartender. A witness threw a pool ball, hitting the man right in the back of the head. Yes really.

In addition to a splitting headache, the man now faces a bevy of charges including one count of second-degree assault, one count of damaging private property (he chipped the pool ball with his skull) and one count of being a fucking idiot. Kevin J. Valentine was charged Tuesday.

An employee at Kapowsin Tavern told Pierce County sheriff’s deputies she refused to serve Valentine more alcohol because he was already drunk and didn’t say please. Valentine got upset and proceeded to act out a scene from Tombstone.

“He threw a glass into a cooler located behind the bar and fell off his stool,” charging documents state.  The defendant’s attorney has a different story.  “This is all a misunderstanding.  My client was simply helping the bar staff clean up.  He gently lofted his glass over the bar and then was tripped up by the poorly maintained seating device.  Whether or not my client may have had anything to drink that night is not really important.  The bottom line is that I’m a liar, my client was tanked and we’ll beat this on a technicality.”

Valentine had started to walk out but stopped at the door, his good sense getting the better of him,  and pulled a gun from his waistband which he then pointed at the employee.

A witness told deputies he saw Valentine pull the gun and then clocked him with the 12 ball.  The witness preferred not to give his name to The News Tribune but said it rhymed with Mrandy Bhronson.  “It was getting pretty late and we had some people playing darts with no one covering the juke box.” Bhronson said,  “The bartender called for help but I don’t really know that pitch so I shook it off and went for the junk.  Batters really have a hard time seeing that pitch, especially when they’re not looking.”

When deputies arrived, Valentine was lying on the ground in front of the bar, bleeding.  Like a bitch.

“Defendant claimed he had been shot in the head,” charging documents state. “He was slurring his words, reeked of alcohol and had very red watery eyes. He was obviously intoxicated.”

“Erroneous!  Erroneous on all counts!  My client, a dedicated family man and IAM union representative, has a speech impediment, wears Jack Daniels for cologne because the ladies love it AND has horrible allergies.  These all clearly explain what officers so racistly interpretted as “being” “intoxicated”.  What does “being” “intoxicated” really mean anyways?  I think the real question here is, who shot my client in the head.”

Article here.



1. Lalainya - September 20, 2009

This is really funny =)

2. AKfour seven - October 11, 2009

(edited because this guy is a dumbass)

Who? - October 16, 2009

No disrespect but…what the fuck are you talking about?

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