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NEW YORK (Reuters) — Police called to a Long Island man’s house discovered the mummified remains of the resident, dead for more than a year, sitting in front of a blaring television set. Other important details include that it was on channel 27, he was wearing only BVD tighty-whities, and he had a half eaten bag of Cheetos in his lap.The 70-year-old Hampton Bays, New York, resident, identified as Vincenzo Ricardo, appeared to have died of natural causes. Police said on Saturday his body was discovered on Thursday when they went to the house to investigate a report of a burst water pipe.

“You could see his face. He still had hair on his head,” Newsday quoted morgue assistant Jeff Bacchus as saying. Mr. Bacchus graduated at the top of his class from ITT Tech and is well-known around the morgue for his insightful and observant comments.

Officials could not explain why the electricity had not been turned off, considering Ricardo had not been heard from since December 2005. Bush thinks it was the terr’ists and immediately requested 10 gazillion dollars and 6 troops to be sent to Long Island.

Neighbors, also ITT Tech grads, said when they had not seen Ricardo, who was diabetic and had been blind for years, they assumed he was in the hospital or a long-term care facility. One shared, “Seemed like he was fully capable of taking care of himself. I mean, he was young, fully functioning and in good health; so I just went back to watching Springer.”

Moral of the story: Don’t eat Cheetos in your underwear.


Snorkeler mistaken for rodent, shot in faceEUGENE, Oregon (AP) — An Oregon man pulled a “Cheney” early this afternoon when he mistakenly identified a full-grown man snorkeling in the river for a small, albeit relatively rotund, rodent and subsequently relieved the itch of his trigger finger.

John William Cheesman, 44, of Springfield, underwent eight hours of surgery Thursday to remove bullet and bone fragments from his face, said his wife, Shelley Cheesman.

“He’s doing really well,” Shelley Cheesman said. “The bullet hit in front of his right ear, where the bone is the most dense. It just fragmented and didn’t go into his brain.”

He was listed in good condition at Oregon Health & Science University Hospital in Portland.

William Roderick, 60, a NRA safety instructor, has been charged with assault, being a felon in possession of a firearm, and possession of methamphetamine and marijuana. He was being held in the county jail. When asked why he didn’t ditch the drugs after the shooting, Mr. Roderick stifled a laugh and replied incredulously “Weren’t gonna let that big beaver take ’em.”

Roderick told deputies he thought Cheesman was a nutria swimming in the Smith River near Reedsport, about 90 miles southwest of Eugene, and shot him with a .22-caliber rifle, police said. It is unknown at this time why Roderick knew what the fuck a Nutria was but was otherwise unable to differentiate said beast from a homosapien.



“I got to get into this dude’s pelt and crawl around for a few days. Who’s the gopher’s ally. His friends. The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit.”
New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer was unabashed on Wednesday about declaring himself a “steamroller” and the most accomplished governor in the history of the state after three weeks on the job.”I am a fucking steamroller and I’ll roll over you or anybody else,” the Democratic governor told Republican Assemblyman James Tedisco in a private conversation last week, the New York Post reported on Wednesday.

“I’ve done more in three weeks than any governor has done in the history of the state,” Spitzer also said, the Post reported.

Asked at a news conference if the comments were inappropriately boastful, Spitzer replied tersely, “No. Next question.”

Spitzer-1, Tedisco/Press-0.


What would you do…

In my personal quest to find a legitimate reason to quit law school, I’ve been trying to figure out the answer to the following question:What would I do if money didn’t matter/ If I had all the money I wanted, what would I do?

You can work, play, start an architectural firm at which the sole line of business will be to design couch-forts in third-world countries, burn money, collect rare stamps, travel, pay bums to reenact 18th century British naval battles in multi-million dollar yachts retrofitted with cannons on Lake Union, same as previous but sub little people dressed as pirates for bums, dedicate yourself to competitive yodling, buy local sports teams and move them out of the state just to irritate people, build those Lego things that you see at the fair and wonder “Who in the heck, builds these intricate master pieces? I wish I had the time to build some.”, train your pet chimp to engage in mortal combat or, for the less serious, Mortal Kombat. You get the point though. Whatever your little heart desires.

What would you do?

Thoughts? Feelings? Are there any horse socks?

“Monkeyyyyyy! Where are you?””Egh Egh Egh, I’m in your closet.”

Cook, Dane. “Retaliation”. Disc One. 2005.



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